I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places