@SocialExtortion: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background
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@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
@Reverend_Scott: Dog 911: what's ur emer- Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME Dog 911: so? Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex