Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
You Might Also Like
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili