I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
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If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
😂 amazing answer
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”