@bdbdleeroybrown: I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
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@notalogin: My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
@MandiAtRandom: Girls storing chips in their bras...pfft amateurs. I've got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.