I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me trying to reach for my goals
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.