@TheBoydP: I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.
@Iwriteforcats: The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
@BoozeWallet: I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.