I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You Might Also Like
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.