I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Alexa: *deep breath*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
OKAY DAD
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.