This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You Might Also Like
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.