I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm "Time to go out and rob some people!" I said

@murrman5: *buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*

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@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

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@omgthatspunny: Can't wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

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@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: you could use some exercise ME: i do pirates on the weekends HER: pilates? ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

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@drankturpentine: how to be a yogi 1. do a good stretch 2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets

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