I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.