i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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Never ghost your hitman.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Whoa… oh I see lol
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.