Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Oh the world we live in…
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
saving face 👀
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
nice challenge
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*me flirting
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo