DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.