I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
They’re stuck in your pants?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?