I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Day 2 of my diet
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer