I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes