I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Mornin
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”