I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My therapist after every session
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Something Saturday.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.