I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.