I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”