I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it鈥檚 ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that鈥檚 a ummer
[Looks up from Rubik鈥檚 Cube] It鈥檚 two thousand and what now??
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend鈥檚 body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 馃槀馃悇馃
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: I鈥檝e gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: Don鈥檛 you hate it when you walk into a room but don鈥檛 remember why you鈥檙e there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.