Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed