Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people