I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
So we got a goldfish…
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake