I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.