I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>