I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.