I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.