@TheReal_AndyMac: I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
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@RdrJay47: [Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
@mollzbenn: The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.
@That_Damn_Duck: Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.