Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
2023 was just a warmup
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.