“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
You Might Also Like
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me