I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space