I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My Guy
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.