I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You Might Also Like
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Oceanography is all about current events
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.