@SteveSuckington: I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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@isabelzawtun: Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don't even know what to believe any more
@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@LindaInDisguise: Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.
@3sunzzz: [text] H: I'm at Lowes, how wide is the door frame? M: I measured, it's 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.