I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
honestly, i need both:
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.