I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Education is vital
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name