i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just a reminder, folks:
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.