@jonnysun: i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought "wow look at this robot!!"
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@AnneeWH: A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
@mjkspeaks: [interview] Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Me: "OMG I'M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!"
@murrman5: [reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? "yes" ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
@tastefactory: There's a spider that's been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he's essentially also watching Shrek.