I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
secret recipe
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day