I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Ha
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I gave up going to work for lent.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.