@bridger_w: I wonder how smart I'd be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I've ever done
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@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@StephenAtHome: Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates' performance in front of the Senate.
@TheBeerGuy73: Note to self: When the wife asks "Do you like my new hair", don't reply with "It'll grow back, right?"