I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Breaking news:
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first