I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Well, this explains it:
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Employees must applaud the planets.