@Shower4Thought: I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought "nah".
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@behindyourback: *falls down a well* *Lassie runs to the edge and peers down* *me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
@Kayditty: The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@Jake_Vig: I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.