I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
True freaking story!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Hey i am sexy to you now
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.