pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
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Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
#have a #great #PancakeDay
At Walmart during the holidays like..
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.