What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.