@trumpetcake: I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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@desijourno: When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
@theyearofelan: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
@zoeklar: One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said "thank god his name isn't John Barbecue Sauce!"
@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.