@chris_isloi: I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler "just be yourself".
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@mydanimarie: 911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
@lovemydogduck: My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
@CulturedRuffian: Cat 911: What's your emergency? Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I'm scared! Cat 911: Seriously? Cat: No, LOL! Cat 911: LOL!
@okimstillhungry: Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs? Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*