I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month