[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Happens to everyone.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.