People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?