@ReeseButCallMeV: I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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@AimeeHelene1: Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.
@Jesstrat: Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card
@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.
@ATorres2181: *walks in *wife is murdered *looks at mirror (Written in blood) YOUR NEXT "My next what? *from the closet "Oh sorry typo I meant you're.