@ReeseButCallMeV: I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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@pleatedjeans: Instead of yelling "Hello?" when u think a murderer's in your home, say "Goodbye" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving
@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@Donna_McCoy: Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, "I got you a present!"