I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.